


Damaged Beyond Repair

by GayRainbowBridge



Series: Frostiron Stories/Oneshots [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood and Violence, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Insanity, Insecure Loki (Marvel), Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Protective Tony Stark, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28849773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRainbowBridge/pseuds/GayRainbowBridge
Summary: Loki's damaged and he knows it, but he'll never admit how broken he truly is. He hides behind tricks and lies because he's afraid of what people will think of him if he shows his true self.He believes if anyone saw him for what he was then they'd either torment him or turn away in disgust, leaving him alone. So, he hides behind his facade hoping no one will figure out the truth.Until one day he snaps.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Frostiron Stories/Oneshots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095008
Comments: 5
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ⚠️Warning: angst, self hate, mentions of torture, strong language, strong violence⚠️

Damaged.

If Loki were to describe himself in one word, that's what it would be.

Damaged beyond repair.

Broken down into a million shattered little pieces of glass that could never be fixed no matter how much glue and duct tape you used.

Damaged, broken, scarred, scared, hurt. He was all of that.

Worthless, useless, pathetic, a complete waste of space. He could go on forever.

But he had to focus on the present.

He was being led in chains to his trial. It would only be him and Odin and obviously the guards holding the chained in case he tried anything. Not that he would anyway.

He was absolutely terrified. He wanted to tell Odin the truth about how he'd been tortured, how Thanos had controlled his mind and forced him to attack Midgaurd. He never wanted to rule Earth. He had no desire to be King. All he ever wanted was to be Thor's equal! But he knew that Odin would never believe him, much less listen.

But he had to try.

He kept his eyes to the floor as he was brought before Odin, afraid of meeting his eyes. He was roughly forced to his knees, but he refrained from shouting out in protest, keeping his mouth securely shut.

"Loki Laufeyson," Odin said clearly and Loki tried not to sob.

Not Odinson. Another reminder of just how worthless he was. He wasn't worthy enough of the Odinson name.

"Father," Loki said, barely above a whisper but Odin heard. He saw how Odin looked at him when he said the word, the lie, he had been brought up to know his whole life.

Odin's face hardened. "I am not your Father and you...you are not my son!"

Tears sprung to Loki's eyes, that he's tried to fight back. He had known that Odin no longer thought of him as his own, but hearing it come out of the Allfathers mouth in person? It felt as though he'd been slapped. The hard truth of reality seemed to set in.

He was loved by no one. He had no one. He was completely alone. No one would ever love him.

"For your crimes against Midgaurd you are sentenced to a life time of torture and imprisonment!" Odin said in a cold voice.

"Father, no!" Loki protested, horror written across his face. "Please Father, I didn't do it! I swear!"

Odin didn't seem to care. "You are not my son! You are only a monster that I foolishly took pity on!"

Loki sobbed at the harsh words. "I was controlled! Please, those actions weren't my own! I swear!"

"I've heard enough of your lies! You will pay for what you have done! Guards, take him away!" Odin roared.

Loki screamed, begging Odin to believe him, even though he knew it was pointless.

Odin was unrelenting as he ordered his guards to take Loki away, ignoring his pleading screams as he was forced to his feet and dragged from the room when he wouldn't walk.

They threw him into the cell, putting up the energy of a gold barrier so he couldn't escape before walking away from the sobbing god.

He cried for what felt like ages, sobbing for Odin to forgive him even though he knew Odin couldn't hear him and, even if he could, he never would.

...

Loki didn't know how long he'd been down there for. He assumed it had been months, maybe a year. He wasn't too sure. It didn't really matter to him anymore.

His tortures came daily. Or what he thought was daily. It was hard to keep track of time in the dungeons as there were no windows.

His tortures would beat him to a pulp. They would whip him until his back bled. They burned him with knives they heated in hot flames and cut him with, along his arms, legs, stomach, even across his face. They had even gone so low as to rape him.

Every visit was something different, but when they left, the result was the same.

They always left Loki a little more broken and a little more damaged then the time before.

It had started slowly, gradually. At first it was how Loki coward when they walked in the cell, begging them not to hurt him. Then it was the screams at night from the terror of his dreams.

Then it was when he had stopped eating. Then it was the silence, when Loki went completely mute, shivering in his cell. Then it was how he didn't struggle, didn't scream, didn't react whatsoever to his tortures, no matter how much pain was inflicted to him.

Then it was the long cuts they found (that they hadn't inflicted) along his arm's or straight across his wrists. Then it was how actively suicidal the god had become, starving himself, cutting as many important veins that he could, in the hopes that he would die.

Everyone had their limits.

Some people, when tipped over the edge, would lash out. Others would go numb to the world. Some couldn't handle it and ended it all.

The torturers assumed Loki had reached his limit. But they were wrong. Loki was close to the limit, on the very brink, but he hadn't tipped yet.

But that was about to change.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: rape, self harm, strong language, strong violence, torture⚠️

The tortures came in as scheduled. Loki sat in the corner of his cell, absentmindedly cutting into his skin with a jagged rock. The tortures never cared whether Loki hurt himself or not, so this didn't faze them.

Loki always thought of himself as an artist. The jagged rock was the paintbrush and his skin was the canvas. He was painting a picture of a beautiful death along the veins in his skin.

"Take that thing off of him," said the one that had light blond hair that almost looked white. He wasn't concerned for the god. He just didn't want Loki to die before he could use him or to try and use it as a weapon against them.

The other man with the dark brown hair, went over to Loki who hadn't even acknowledged the guards existence and took the bloodied rock from Loki's equally bloodied fingers.

Loki seemed to always be covered in blood. He almost always bled after being tortured. It was something that just didn't bother him anymore.

The blond smirked, walking up to the god who still hadn't looked at them, almost as if they weren't really there. Like if he ignored them then they would go away.

The blond gripped Loki's chin, forcing him to look up at his face. He didn't struggle in the blond's grasp.

"Oh are we gonna have some fun with you today," the blonde said with a wide grin. "Maybe if you behave like a good boy for us, you'll get to eat tonight."

Loki knew that didn't mean anything. They always say that, but by the time night came he was left to go to sleep hungry. Not that he really slept that much anyway. His nightmares always kept him awake along with his hunger.

"Alright, Loki. Lie on your stomach like a good boy, for me," the blond told him with a sickly sweet smile.

Loki knew exactly what that meant. He didn't want to. He was sick of being used. He didn't want to be raped again.

He shook his head, no.

The blond didn't like that. Before Loki could have reacted, he was pushed roughly to the ground onto his stomach.

He didn't try to fight back. He knew it would be pointless. If he tried then the blond and the two others would beat him the shit out of him and then rape him. They would probably whip him as extra punishment if he tried to.

He felt hands yank down his pants, exposing his backside to the men around him. He tried not to think of the hands running over his ass.

"Just relax," the blond's voice murmured, spreading Loki's cheeks before slamming in hard.

After the amount of times being raped it barely would register in Loki's mind anymore that it was meant to be a _bad_ thing, or that it was meant to _hurt_.

It never lasted long. When they first started doing it, it had felt like an eternity until they had finished. But he was so used to it now that he barely noticed.

The blond came inside him with a long groan of ecstasy.

Loki could feel the pain but he didn't care. How sad is it that you're hurt so much that you can finally say, 'I'm used to it'. Because that's exactly what Loki thought.

The dark brown haired man asked if he could play with the 'toy'. The other man standing beside him with the light brown looked as if he was getting impatient.

The blond nodded smirking as he stepped back and watched the dark brown pull Loki up onto his knees. He took out his cock from his pants and put it near Loki's lips.

It was obvious what he wanted Loki to do, but Loki wouldn't open his mouth. He was sick and tired of being used.

"Open you're fucking mouth, slut!" The dark brown yelled, grabbing his hair in a fist and yanking it hard.

Loki gasped in pain and the man took that to his advantage, shoving his length down Loki's throat. He choked, unable to handle the man's size and tried to pull away, but the man held him in place, not letting go.

That's when Loki snapped.

He bit down, his teeth sinking into hard flesh and tasted blood on his tongue.

The man screamed, pulling his bleeding dick out of Loki's mouth.

The others backed away quickly, whether in fear or in shock at what the usually submissive god had done to their friend, Loki wasn't sure. But like they had done to him, he was quick to take advantage of it.

A wicked grin spread across his face, blood from the other man dripping down his chin. He looked feral, a crazy light in his eyes that were no longer blank and dull like they were before.

Then he laughed. A laugh you only hear from people who have been pushed past their limit. When they've finally been pushed to far and have cracked.

"Didn't like that, did you?" Loki asked, his voice hoarse from not using it, but still intimidating. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before thinking of using me. Oh, how gullible you are, thinking that you broke me."

He spat the blood from his mouth onto the ground. Then he glared at his torturers, a fire in his eyes.

The men were smart enough to run, knowing that if they stayed, Loki would have murdered them where they stood, whether he had a weapon or not.

Once they had left, Loki laughed. A laugh only meant for insane people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒Yes, I am an evil being. I probably need help. But you know that you can't help but want to read more 😈✒


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: mentions of murder⚠️

The game had changed.

Loki had now become the torturer, leading guards into a false pretence of safety around him when they came into his cell. Acting as though he was the submissive person he'd been before he'd snapped.

Most of those guards barely escaped with their lives.

Loki lay on his bed, feeling rather bored. He wanted to do something fun but guards knew better than to go down his corridor anymore. They knew Loki would manipulate them and they wouldn't risk it.

He sat up as he heard approaching footsteps. He grinned, thinking it could be a possible new victim.

But when he saw who it was he glared at the person with deep hatred.

"Thor," he hissed.

Thor stopped at the barrier separating the two. Loki couldn't tell what he was thinking, but he realised it didn't matter.

Thor sighed. "What has become of you, Brother?"

Loki smirked. "Brother, is it? Not 'monster'? Not ' _Jotun_ _'_?" He asked, emphasizing on the last word with a savageness to his tone.

Thor looked pained. "Please, Brother. Please, be reasonable."

"Reasonable? You want me to be _reasonable_?" Loki laughed that insane laugh. "You really are an imbecile if you think, after everything I've been through, that I'll see reason."

"Brother, please. Let me help you!" Thor begged, but Loki merely turned away.

"I don't need your help, Thor. I'm perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with me," he lied, crossing his arms over his chest, back to Thor.

Thor wouldn't give up. "Brother, I've...heard things. If they are true then you are beyond the point of being 'perfectly fine'."

Loki tensed. "Heard what things?" He asked delicately.

Thor looked rather uncomfortable and though Loki couldn't see that, he felt it. "I-I've heard talk of you from the guards. How...how you seduce the guards into your cell and...have your way with them, before killing them."

Loki scowled. Of course, that's all Thor heard of what transpired in this wretched cell. No. Why would he know about how he had been tortured? How he'd been raped and humiliated? Of course, he was as oblivious to Loki's suffering as usual.

"So what if I have?" Loki said, turning back to Thor with a raised eyebrow.

Thor looked away, not meeting Loki's gaze. "It's not right, Brother."

Loki wanted to laugh.

Not right? No. What wasn't right was being tortured, raped, hurt, manipulated, charged with false crimes and given a punishment he didn't deserve. That was what wasn't fair.

But Loki didn't say that. Why would Thor need to know anyway? He didn't care.

Why was he here anyway?

"All these months and you finally come to visit?" Loki mused. "Why is that, _Brother_?" He said the word, 'Brother', like it was an insult.

Thor looked at Loki sadly, as if only just realising how far gone his Brother truly was, even though Loki wouldn't admit it.

Because Loki was insane. But Loki didn't like not being in control, so he denied it.

"I told Father, and he agrees, that keeping you in this cell is not helping you. You're not getting better and you don't feel any remorse or regret for what you did," Thor said and Loki rolled his eyes.

Maybe he wasn't getting better because he couldn't be fixed. Maybe he didn't feel regret because he was constantly numb. Or perhaps because he was being wrongly accused for what he'd done.

"So what will you do, hm? Kill me perhaps. Keep the promise you made?" Loki said with a wicked, twisted grin. "What was it again? I believe you had said that you'd hunt the monsters down and slay them all...wasn't it?"

Thor looked like he regretted ever saying those words, but Loki didn't care. If he really regretted it, he would never have said them in the first place.

"I have no urge to kill you, Brother. I never would," Thor said defensively.

"Then why are you here?" Loki asked again.

"I've asked Father to change your punishment. Hopefully to something that'll help you," Thor said, though he looked doubtful that anything would help Loki.

"And what on Asgard could that possibly be," Loki said mockingly, feigning interest.

"Not on Asgard," Thor corrected and that made Loki hesitate, "On Midgard."

Loki blinked. "What?"

"I'm taking you to Midgard to work with the Avenger—"

Loki was in a rage before he finished his sentence. "I am _not_ going to that wretched planet _ever_ again! I'd rather _hang_ than go back there!" He yelled, fury in his eyes.

How did Thor expect him to go back to Midgard? Was he mad?!

"Brother—"

"No, Thor! I am not your Brother. You never were one to me! You don't have the right to call me Brother. I am never going to Midgard. I will most definitely _not_ help aid those pathetic Avengers!" Loki was breathing heavily from all the shouting he was doing.

Thor's face hardened. "You don't have a choice in this. You're going whether you like it or not and you will help them for what you've done. I'm done being patient with you, Loki."

Loki. Thor barely ever called him that. He always insisted on calling Loki Brother no matter how much Loki screamed at him that he wasn't.

But now Loki had pushed him so much that he had finally seemed to have given up on trying to call him that.

Another small piece of Loki shattered inside.

But Loki didn't let it show on his face. "Fine. But if you believe I'll help those mortals, then you are dead wrong."

Thor sighed, looking like he wanted to argue, but Loki was done with this conversation.

"Leave," Loki said, his voice laced with hate as he glared at Thor. He knew Thor would. He had nothing more he could say to make Loki change his mind.

He turned and left, not looking back.

Maybe if he had he would have seen Loki collapse to his knees sobbing for him to come back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

Tony didn't stop complaining the entire time Fury talked.

According to Patches, a certain god of Mischief with a bad habit of throwing geniuses from building windows, was going to be staying in his Tower to, 'get along with them.'

He had done everything possible to make Fury change his mind. He'd whined, thrown a tantrum, and pouted like a four year old, but Fury wouldn't relent.

So now Tony was waiting with the rest of the Avengers in the main lounge room, for the Thunder god to bring Loki to them.

Of course, just because Tony had lost, hadn't meant he'd stopped complaining.

"Tony, do everyone a favour and just shut up?" Clint asked, glaring at the genius lying across the couch, who was whining loudly about how unfair this was. "You're not the only one who doesn't like this, you know. If I had it my way, I'd leave him in that bloody cell to rot."

Natasha sighed. "Clint, just relax. If you talk that way in front of Thor—"

"Like I care! If Thor doesn't want me to talk that way then he shouldn't bring his sociopath of a Brother back here! What is he even thinking? Why the fuck would he bring him back here?!" Clint exclaimed in frustration.

"Language," Steve said, mostly out of reflex. "Look, none of us like this, but we have to deal with it for the now. Thor has enough to deal with from what I've heard and Loki doesn't even have his powers, so it's not like it's going to be difficult to make sure he behaves."

"Didn't need his stupid powers to chuck me out a window," Tony muttered in which Steve rolled his eyes. "Why does he have to stay here? I just got this place fixed up. I'm not having him wreck it so I have to do it all over again."

"It would give you something else to do other than complain," Clint suggested with a smirk.

Tony was about to answer back with a smart retort, but was cut short as a bright light lit up in front of them, before disappearing just as quickly as it had come, revealing Thor looking tired and worn and the chained god of Mischief held by the arm by Thor in case he tried anything.

Everyone went silent as they stared in horror at Loki, not sure what to make of what they saw.

The first thing they noticed was the dried blood splattered all over him. His clothes and his skin was stained with it. His hair was a tangled mess, that made him look like he'd just rolled out of bed.

The clothes he wore were dirty and torn all over, making it look as though he hadn't changed them for months. He had black, blue and purple bruises all over his body and various cuts, including one that ran straight across his cheek.

His hands were chained at the wrists, but other than that had no other restrained on. Not even the muzzle that he had on after the whole attack on New York.

Loki glanced at them all and smirked at the shocked expressions he was met with. "Well, well, well. Long time, no see, hm? Did you miss me?" He asked with mock politeness.

Thor gave Loki a warning look. "Brother, I promised not to put the muzzle on you so long as you behaved. Do not make me regret my decision."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "I don't believe I've done anything wrong. All I asked was if they missed me? I'm sure their little archer did—"

"Why are you covered in blood?" Steve said over him with wide eyes, finally managing to speak.

A smirk crossed Loki's face, but it was Thor who answered.

"I tried to get Loki to clean up before coming here but he refused," Thor explained, glancing at Loki. "As to why, I don't know. He wont tell me."

"Take a wild guess," Loki hissed, completely done with Thor trying to avoid the truth. He claims to care, but he won't admit that he knows what happened to Loki, because he didn't want to think of Odin as anything but a Saint and Loki was sick of it. "Perhaps I wanted you're so called 'Avenging friends' to see me like this to bring them some form of satisfaction of my imprisonmentin Asgard?"

"Looks as if you've been shoved out a twenty story building and hit the tarmac hard," Tony said, not entirely concealing the fact that he thought this payback for Loki throwing him out a window.

Loki got the message however and grinned. "Trust me, Stark. What happened to me was by far more painful."

Clint glared at him. "Pity that I didn't get to see it," he growled, not having missed the comment about him from Loki before.

"Alright, enough all of you," Steve said, stepping forward and giving everyone the, 'Captain-America-is-talking-so-shut-up-and-listen', look, "We agreed—"

"You agreed," Tony corrected.

Steve sighed. "I agreed that Loki could stay here as a favour for Thor. You are all going to have to get along, understand? It doesn't matter what he did—"

"He threw me out a window!" Tony whines in protest.

"He controlled my mind!" Clint exclaimed angrily.

"You both got second chances. This is Loki's. Got it?" Natasha said sternly and both of them shut up at that, though neither looked happy about it.

Loki's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, a frown forming on his face. Why did she care? He supposed she just wanted them both to stop complaining.

"Thank you, Widow of Black," Thor said with a bright smile towards Natasha.

Clint snickered, but stopped quickly when Natasha glared at him.

"Alright, Thor. He gets to stay, I suppose," Tony decided, though he didn't look happy about it. Or perhaps he was pretending because he just _loved_ being dramatic about _everything_.

"How about Loki can go and, you know, maybe take a bath? Then we'll show him to his room and teach him the rules," Steve told Thor.

Loki smirked as Thor sighed. "I don't believe Loki to be very good at following rules."

"At least that we can agree on," Tony muttered under his breath. Loki heard though and grinned in the geniuses direction.

Oh yes, this is going to be such fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒I agree with Loki. Let's get started shall we? 😈✒


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

"How'd it go?" Steve asked as soon as Thor reappeared in the doorway.

Thor sighed. "I left him in his room to have a shower and get changed. I told him to meet us back down here in twenty minutes so you could tell him the rules," he explained.

Steve nodded wondering if leaving the god by himself was a good idea, but didn't say so.

"So what the hell happened to him?" Tony asked and Thor looked away.

"I'm not sure. Loki refuses to tell me the truth on the matter," Thor said, but Tony could tell that he was holding something back.

"You're saying that you saw your Brother like that and didn't even question it?" Tony asked and saw Thor's expression tighten. "Didn't ask, oh I don't know, your dad maybe about what had happened?"

"Loki does not wish to be referred as my Brother any longer," Thor said, avoiding the question.

"Never stopped you from calling him it before," Clint said with a frown.

Thor shook his head not responding back.

Tony could see that Thor didn't want to talk about it, but he didn't care. If some sociopathic god was staying in his tower, whether he liked it or not, Thor was gonna tell him what happened.

"Look, I agreed to let Loki stay here, okay?" Tony said sternly.

"You agreed?" Steve asked with a raised eyebrow.

Tony glanced at him looking exasperated. "You know what I mean," he said with a light glare.

"Do we?" Clint said with a smirk.

"My point is," Tony said over them, looking back at Thor, "is that you could at least tell us what's going on with him and what happened. Even if what Loki told you is lies, I want to hear it, in case maybe he tries to tell us the same lies."

"He's actually got a point," Natasha said, for once, defending Tony.

Thor hesitated a moment longer before finally relenting. "Fine. But it's nothing good," he said before he told them everything he knew.

* * *

Loki had kicked Thor from his room within minutes. The stupid oaf was irritating and Loki only got him to leave by saying he'd have a shower if he did.

Thor said to meet him back downstairs in twenty in which Loki responded too by shutting the door in his face.

After exploring his room a little, he found clothes of his size in the drawers which he figured had been put there by one of the Avengers when they were told he'd be staying.

Picking out a simple long sleeved shirt that was a deep green color, along with some leather pants he dug out, he went into the bathroom that joined with the room and set them on the table near the sink.

He stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the knob and let hot water poor down onto his back. He let out a slight hiss of pain as the water stung the cuts that ran along his back. The whip marks were definitely infected.

He washed himself off as much as he could, watching the blood run off his body and swirl down the drain.

When he considered himself efficiently clean, he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, grabbing the fluffy towel that hung from the hook in the wall.

He towel himself off until he felt dry enough, before dressing himself, checking himself in the mirror.

He frowned at the long scar across his cheek. He wondered if that would ever heal. He remembered how he got it. Remembered how painful it had been. His head being forced up, a hot knife pressed to his cheek.

Loki shuddered, looking away, his heart racing. As cool as he acted, he felt terrified inside. He was always just moments away from a panic attack. But he wouldn't let the others see him like that. He couldn't let them know how weak and afraid he was. They wouldn't care, they would only try to use it against him.

He sighed, going to turn away from the mirror when something caught his eye. Something shined against the light in the bathroom, making it flash. Something metal. He looked down at the sink and blinked.

It was what he remembered mortals called a razor. A shaving razor to be specific.

He picked it up, staring at it for a moment when suddenly his breathing hitched.

His mind flashed back to the cell, a jagged rock in his hand, blood making the hold on it slippery, his fingers stained red.

_'Loki always thought of himself as an artist. The jagged rock was the paintbrush and his skin was the canvas. He was painting a picture of a beautiful death along the veins in his skin.'_

Loki dropped the razor from his numb fingers. He flinched at the noise of it hitting the floor.

He didn't know how long he stood there, staring with fearful eyes at the razor. Eventually he shook his head, snapping out of his daze. He scowled, kicking the razor under the sink.

A weakness. That's all it was.

He turned swiftly, leaving the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He swallowed, trying to control himself, though he could feel his mind slowly fracturing.

He had promised himself that he would not cut. Not because he didn't want to die, but because if the others found out about it, he could not bear it. He didn't want them to know he was so weak.

Besides, he had tried over and over before and it had never worked. Death simply did not want him. It would rather that he suffer in his miserable existence then end it all.

He had to wait until the right moment, when he thought that no one would know what he was planning, so he could die before they found him and attempted to bring him back. He just needed to be patient.

Loki took a deep breath, before putting on a calm facade, exiting his room and heading to the lounge where he had last seen the other Avengers.

He heard the voices emitting from the next room before he even got there. He paused just before the doorway, hearing Thor's voice speaking and heard his name. He decided to listen in.

"Loki may not admit it, but he isn't in control of himself anymore. He acts without thinking of consequences. He has...he has killed people."

"Killed?" Loki recognized the archer's voice. "Of course he's killed. We were there when it happened, you know."

"That's not what I mean," Thor sighed. "I was told that Loki would trick the guards outside his cell to come inside and would then kill them."

Loki clenched his fist.

"Whoa. That's..." Steve trailed off.

"Not good," Bruce said simply.

"You say that he lured them in." Loki frowned, as Tony spoke. "But if he did, then where did all those injuries come from?"

Loki raised an eyebrow.

"I was told that it was from the guards trying to fight him off," Thor said and Loki rolled his eyes.

"What if it wasn't?" Tony asked. "Did you ever think that maybe the guards lied? That they might've been hurting Loki."

Loki's mouth parted in surprise. Tony sounded almost...concerned? But no. That couldn't possibly be right.

"Why do you even care?" Clint asked suddenly. "If they did, he probably deserved it."

"You just don't get it, Clint," Tony said fiercely. "You don't understand what torture does to a person."

Clint scoffed. "What would you know about torture?"

There was a sudden silence.

Loki imagined that Tony was glaring at Clint who was probably looking sheepish, the others all tense. They all knew that Tony had been tortured in afghanistan, which was the reason Tony ended up with his arc reactor, the thing that kept the pieces of shrapnel in his chest from reaching his heart.

Loki had found this all out, of course, the first time he came to Midgard. Though, Tony Stark's story had definitely intrigued him the most.

Clint finally spoke into the silence. "Tony, I didn't mean—"

"Don't," Tony said sharply. Loki heard him take a breath. "Look. If Loki was tortured then it explained a lot. The injuries all over his body, the way he talked about his time in the cell and the way he looks at us all. Like he's on edge, waiting to bolt at the last second."

Loki held his breath, wondering how they'd respond.

"Father would have told me—"

"Thor, you're Father may not be what you think," Tony said over him.

Another silence.

"But—"

Loki had had enough. He stepped out where everyone could see him, a forced smirk on his face.

"Well, hello again," Loki said calmly. "What are we all talking about, hm?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

Thor instantly fell silent at the sight of him. Loki looked around to see the two assassins exchange glances obviously wondering how much he'd heard. Bruce and Steve looked away in embarrassment. Clint swallowed, but didn't look away. Tony however, was giving Loki a calculating look that unnerved him, so he turned his gaze to Thor.

"Well?" He asked him and Thor looked uncomfortable.

"We were actually talking about you," Tony stated matter of factly.

Loki raised an eyebrow at him. Tony just shrugged. "Thor was just saying that—"

"Tony!" Steve said, trying and failing to hush the billionaire.

"Oh please," Tony said, rolling his eyes at the super soldier. "He obviously heard us."

Loki smirked at Steve who blushed in embarrassment, looking away again. "That doesn't mean he heard everything—"

"Oh, I ensure you, Captain, that I did," Loki interrupted him before he could say more. "And you're wrong," he said, turning to look at Tony. "These injuries _were_ from the guards attempts to escape me, trying to get away from me. You should have heard their screams for mercy, Stark," he said with a sick grin. "They begged me to let them go. Screaming for me not to hurt them. Do you think I listened?"

Tony's expression didn't change, though everyone around him looked horrified. Loki met his eyes and felt something strange inside him. Like a flutter of nerves in the pit of his stomach. But why? It was only Stark. A mere mortal. He couldn't hurt Loki. He was a god!

"Take off your shirt," Tony said with a straight face.

Loki's smirk fell into confusion. "Excuse me?"

"Take off your shirt," Tony repeated calmly. "I want to see your back."

Loki felt suddenly cold all over. "What for?" He asked, trying to keep his voice steady, but he didn't think he quite managed it.

"Just do it," Tony told him.

Loki swallowed, his eyes flickering at the others and realized he didn't have a choice. He tried to keep his heart rate down as he took the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head and letting it drop to the floor. He felt exposed, standing there, half naked and avoided all of their eyes.

Tony walked up to him and Loki took an involuntary step back, mentally cursing as he did so. "Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you," Tony told him softly.

Loki scowled. _'That's what they all say_ ,' he thought, but stayed still and silent, as Tony went behind him.

"So, just wondering, what would whips have to do with, 'getting away from you'," Tony asked. Loki shuddered as he felt a hand on his back, tracing over the angry red lashes that Loki knew were there.

"What?" Clint asked, unable to help himself as he walked over to have a look. "Holy shit," he breathed with a slight wince. "God, that looks painful."

Loki had gone completely still as the rest of the Avengers came to gawk at his back.

"They're infected," Bruce commented and Loki bit his lip, hoping against hope that he wouldn't realize what that meant, but he guessed it didn't matter. It was obvious now that something bad _had_ happened to him in the cell. Besides, Bruce was a scientist. He couldn't exactly hide himself away from the prying eyes.

"Are you done staring?" Loki asked a little acidly.

"Not just yet," Tony said and Loki could still feel his hand on his back which he hadn't removed. Even though it stung, Loki actually liked the touch. Almost a reassurance to him, even if he knew it was false. "Bruce, can you patch this up?"

Bruce nodded and left to get the supplies for it.

"So, you still gonna say that the guards did this getting away from you?" Tony asked, taking him over to the couch with a hand holding his arm and gently pushing him down to sit on it as Bruce came back with a medical kit.

Loki said nothing at the scientist fixed up his back, not even when it stung and wanted to tell him to stop. He stayed silent through it all, allowing the good doctor to bandage it up.

When he was sure it was done, he stood suddenly, snatching up the shirt he had left on the floor and pulling it back over his head. "I'm tired of this. I'm going back to my room."

Thor called after him but he didn't slow his pace as he walked out of the room, back to his own. As soon as he got in, he slammed the door shut, locking it before collapsing on the bed.

It seemed almost moment's later when there was a knock at the door.

"Go away!" Loki shouted, grabbing a pillow and pressing it over his face as the knocking got louder.

"Open the door, Loki."

"No!"

"Fine. Jarv, open the door, please."

"Oh course, Sir."

Loki internally cursed as a click was heard and the door opened. He took the pillow from his face so he could glare at Tony who walked calmly into the room. "You done with your temper tantrum?" He asked.

"I can and will throw you out the window if you do not leave my room this instant," Loki growled. Tony didn't seem very concerned about the threat as he walked over to the bed and sat down beside Loki who sat up with a sigh of disgust. "Did you not just hear me?"

"Oh no, I did. I just don't think you will," Tony said and Loki raised an eyebrow.

"What makes you think that?" Loki asked, half rhetorical, half actually curious.

"Well, I don't think you really want to go back to the cells in Asgard, do you?" Tony said with a shrug. "So, go ahead if you want to. I'm sure the guards with be thrilled to see you again."

Loki just about followed through with his promise, but forced himself to stay calm. As much as he hated to admit it, Tony was right. He never wanted to go back there. "What do you want, Stark?"

"To make sure you were alright."

Loki stared at him. "What?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "I said—"

"I know what you said," Loki snapped. "I just don't understand _why_."

Tony frowned. "Why not?"

Loki opened his mouth, found no answer and closed it again, feeling annoyed.

"Look, I know you've gone through a lot of shit. I get it. But that doesn't mean you're in it alone. There are still people who care about you," Tony told him and Loki swallowed, blinking back tears.

God, why was he so weak?

"You don't care," Loki said suddenly. "No one does. And I don't need anyone to. I have myself. That's all I need. I don't need your pity."

Tony sighed. "Just get some sleep. And don't do anything stupid, 'kay? Great."

He stood and left the room, not waiting for an answer as he shut the door behind him.

Loki glared at the door.

_'Don't do anything stupid.'_

Loki looked toward the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒Oh, Loki you spiteful little five year old✒


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: self harm, strong language⚠️

Loki stared at the wall. He was exhausted. He hadn't got an ounce of sleep all night. He kept running through his mind, over and over, the events of what had happened last night after Tony had left the room.

He hadn't meant to do it. He felt as if he had not had any control. Like he was being forced to do it. But he had been the one that had done it. He couldn't deny it no matter what he told himself.

He had walked into the bathroom as if his legs had a mind of their own. He had crouched down, sliding his hand under the sink and felt the sharp edge of the razor he'd kicked under it earlier touch his fingers. He had pulled it out, staring at it as he stood straight.

Fear swirled in his stomach, making him feel sick. But then Tony's voice echoed again in his mind.

_'Don't do anything stupid.'_

Loki scowled. Like he needed to be treated like a child. To be told what to do. He wasn't four. He was a thousand years older than what Stark was!

Anger made his thoughts unclear as rolled up his sleeve and lifted the razor over the skin of his wrist. He pressed it down, the metal of the razor cool and sharp against his pale skin.

His breathing was shallow. His chest felt tight, making it harder to breathe.

Then in a rush of movement he sliced downward. Blood squirted from the cut, running down his wrist, his palm, his fingers, dripping off and hitting the tiled floor.

Pain shot up from his wrist. A small whimper escaped his mouth without it meaning to. But not because of the pain. Because of the voices that started up in his head. Telling him it wasn't enough. That he should do more damage. Make Stark regret treating him like a child.

He hated the voices. But they were right. They were always right.

He lifted the razor in his shaking hand once again. He cut up his arm, over and over and over again. He switched arms, cutting all over that as well.

By the time he was done, the bathroom looked like a murder scene, Loki being the murderer considering how bloodied he was.

Loki finally came to his scenes, though the damage was already done. He threw the razor away from him, looking at the mess with horror.

What had he done?

A weakness.

Loki laid on the bed, staring at the door of the bathroom. He hadn't cleaned it. He had only washed his hands and arms of blood before scrambling away from what he'd done, slamming the bathroom door shut so he would not have to see the horror inside.

He hated himself for it. What on Midgard was wrong with him?! Nothing. There was nothing wrong with him. He was perfectly fine. He kept telling himself that, hoping that one day he might actually believe it.

It was light out now, the sun having risen ages ago. It shined through the curtains, warm against Loki's face.

A knock at the door sounded through the room.

Loki sat up. "Who is it?"

"Who do ya think?"

Loki groaned. "I'm getting dressed, Stark. What do you want?" He lied.

"That would be a sight to see. Breakfast is ready. So once you're dressed, get your ass downstairs to eat."

Loki heard Tony leave. He sat up, his arms aching. He sighed. He might as well get dressed. Though, he was most definitely not going down for breakfast. He didn't need all those prying eyes on him.

In the morning's he would usually have a shower, but he couldn't face what he had done, so he decided to skip it as he rummaged through the draws for clothes.

He found some dark green pants that he pulled on, but couldn't find any long sleeve shirts. He had the one he was already wearing, but it had dried blood stains on it. He ended up chucking on a short sleeve shirt, but kept checking over and over for anything with long sleeves.

He eventually got around to the cupboard, pulling it open and saw a line of jumpers, some with hoodies and some without. It wasn't a particularly cold day, but all Loki could think about was that it had sleeves. He grabbed the black one with a hoodie attached to it and pulled it over his head.

He checked the sleeves and saw with relief that they were just long enough to cover up the cuts.

He jumped as another knock at the door was heard. "Are you done yet?"

"What are you doing? Listening at the door or something?" Loki said scathingly.

"Jarvis, open the door."

"Yes, Sir."

The door clicked open and Tony walked in, a tray of food in his hands, Loki glaring at him from across the room. "You could have just asked me to open the door," he said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, but would you have really opened the door if I had?" Tony said, setting the tray on the side table as he looked over at Loki.

"Most likely no, but it's courtesy to ask before forcing entrance," Loki sighed.

Tony chuckled. "I wouldn't know. Anyway, I got ya some food 'cause I kinda realized by the time I got to the kitchen that you probably weren't going to come down for breakfast."

"You thought correctly."

Tony smiled. "Yeah, well. I remembered after I came back from Afghanistan, I kinda didn't want to talk to, well, anyone really. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't eat or sleep. I barely showered half the time."

Loki glanced at him curiously. "What did they do to you?"

Tony swallowed. "Not anything I couldn't handle."

"But what _did_ they do?" Loki asked persistently.

Tony sighed. "They...they beat the shit outta me most the time. I had a...friend that was with me. He didn't make it, but they knew hurting him would hurt me. They tried to get me to make a missile for them and threatened me by putting a hot coal near his mouth and said if I didn't tell them the truth, they'd make him eat it", Tony shook his head. "The worst part was the...the w-waterboarding."

"Waterboarding?" Loki asked with a frown.

Tony shuddered. "They shove your head in water, make you feel like you're drowning, which technically you are. It was horrible, but I tried not to show my fear to them. When I finally made it out, once I was finally home, I couldn't bring myself to go anywhere near water. I had panic attacks whenever I saw it. I couldn't shower, it was that bad. The first time I forced myself to take one, I felt like I was having a heart attack."

"What about now?" Loki asked.

"I'm better now. I can have showers without panicking, but I can't have baths. I can't swim at the beach or even at pools," Tony said. "The others have tried helping me, but nothing does. I just learned to accept that I'll never swim like a normal person again."

"You are most definitely not normal," Loki said and Tony raised an eyebrow at him.

"Is that an insult?" He asked.

"More fact," Loki said, shrugging.

"Thanks," Tony said sarcastically and Loki smirked. "Well, you should eat and..." Tony's voice trailed off as he looked at Loki's sleeve. "Why is there blood on your sleeve?"

Loki blinked and looked down and felt his heart skip a beat. His sleeve was stained red with fresh blood. He must not have realized that some of the cuts were still bleeding when he'd put it on.

Tony was looking at him waiting for an answer. Loki took a breath. "It's...nothing. I must not have washed all the blood off from when I arrived yesterday and—"

Loki didn't get the chance to finish the lie as Tony grabbed his hands, pulling his arm towards him and pushed up the sleeve.

There was a silence.

Tony looked up at him, a look of disappointment and sadness in his brown eyes as he opened his mouth, but only said one word.

"Why?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

"Why?"

Loki didn't know how to answer. What was he meant to say? _'I did it because you treated me like a child? Because you told me not to? Because everything hurt anyway, so what were a few more scars? Because nobody cared whether I hurt or not, whether I lived or not...'_

Tony was still looking at him with that sad, concerned gaze, waiting for an answer. But Loki couldn't tell him the truth without admitting to himself that there was something wrong with him that went much deeper than the cuts on his arms.

So he did what he always did.

He lied.

"Why? Why what, Stark?" Loki asked, taking his arm from Tony's grasp. "If you are going to ask a question then you need to be more specific than that."

Tony sighed. "You know what I mean, Loki."

"No, I do not," Loki said stubbornly though he wouldn't meet Tony's eyes.

"Why did you hurt yourself?" Tony said simply.

Loki looked away. "These weren't from me. It was the guards who did this to me."

"Really?" Tony asked sceptically. "Because I don't recall you having any cuts like this on your arm when you took your shirt off yesterday."

Loki mentally cursed. "Well then, I suppose your memory is becoming faulty."

"Loki," Tony said his name softly, making Loki internally shiver at his name on the other man's lips. "Why are you trying to lie to me?"

Loki shook his head. "I'm not."

"You just did it again," Tony pointed out much to Loki's annoyance.

"I'm fine, Stark," Loki insisted.

"Wow!" Tony exclaimed. "My Lie Detector just skyrocketed!"

Loki glared at him, but Tony didn't seem to notice or just didn't care.

"Tell me why you did this, Loki," Tony demanded. "Unless you want me to go to Thor? I'm sure he'd want to know about thi—"

"No, wait!" Loki grimaced at the panic in his voice. "I-I mean...Thor wouldn't want to be bothered with this. It would only be a waste of both of your time."

Tony shrugged, standing up. "I had nothing else planned to do today, so I might as well."

Loki bit his lip, telling himself that Tony was only bluffing as the genius stood and walked over to the door.

He cracked when Tony opened it, a step out the door and shouted. "Stark! Alright, I give in. Please, don't tell Thor!"

Tony looked back at him. "Then tell me why you did it."

"Because...because you treated me like a child!" Loki burst out. "Telling me not to do anything stupid as if I were four! Well, I'm not a child! I can do whatever I please. You shouldn't tell me what to do, Stark. You're not the boss of me! I'm...I'm not a child."

Tony stood at the door with a look of astonishment on his face. A silence had fallen over them after Loki's outburst, Loki looking down at the floor shamefully.

Finally, Tony shut the door with a snap and made his way back over to the bed, sitting down directly in front of Loki who wouldn't look up at him.

Tony lifted Loki's head with a hand under his chin until their eyes met, green meeting brown. "You should have told me," Tony said, "I'm sorry that I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me. I just...don't like being treated like a child," Loki muttered, not sure why he was defending the genius.

"Yeah, well, either way I'm sorry," Tony said softly and Loki nodded. "You should really eat though. You need it. You're skinny as fuck," he said, dropping the head and stood.

"Where are you going?" Loki asked with a frown.

"To the bathroom 'cause, you know, nature calls," Tony said, going over to the shut bathroom door, putting a hand on the handle, turning it.

Loki called out too late. "Anthony, wait—!"

Tony opened the door and froze, looking at the mess inside. After a tense moment, he shut the door with a sigh. "Never mind."

"I'm sorry," Loki said in a small voice, but Tony shook his head.

"Don't worry about it. That's what mops are for," he said with a shrug.

Loki raised an eyebrow. "How can you be so calm?"

"Who me?" Tony asked, coming to sit back on the bed next to Loki who rolled his eyes.

"No. The disembodied voice. Yes, you!" Loki said in a snarky tone to which Tony grinned.

"The disembodied voice is named Jarvis. He's my AI. Artificial Intelligence," he added to Loki's questioning look. "And I'm calm because I honestly expected a lot worse from a person as damaged as you."

Loki scowled, crossing his arms over his chest in a defying sort of manner. "I am _not_ damaged."

Tony gave him a sideways glance. "Really?"

"Really," Loki said firmly.

"Alright then," Tony said.

Suddenly, in a flash of movement, Tony had Loki pinned to the bed, flat on his back, straddling his waist who struggled beneath him, Tony looking remarkably calm as he held Loki's arm down by the wrist's.

"Prove it."

"What on Midgard do you think you're doing!" Loki growled, struggling against the genius's hold.

"You say that you're not damaged, but I say you just don't want to admit it," Tony stated. "But if you aren't then I'm sure you'll have no problem proving it."

"You're insane! Get off of me!" Loki said scathingly, struggling harder, but Tony didn't budge.

"Not until you admit that you're damaged!" Tony snapped back. "Once you do, you'll feel better. You can stop denying it. If you don't, you'll never get better. You'll be damaged forever. Now admit it!"

He pulled Loki's hands above his head, pinning them down with one hand. With the other, he placed it on Loki's thigh.

Loki's eyes went wide and made a choking sound like he was choking on a hairball.

_Hands slide slowly up his thighs, the hands cold on his pale skin. He tried to scream but he couldn't, the muzzle muffling his cries._

Tony's voice sounded far off as Loki tried to bring himself back to the present. He wouldn't admit he was damaged. He wasn't! He was fine!

_He could hear them moaning as they used him. Like he was just a slut, a worthless thing they could use for their amusement. He almost agreed with them. He was worthless._

Loki gulped as he felt the hand move higher up his leg. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to breath.

_Pain spiked up his back as they forced him to bend over._

Loki whimpered, images flashing behind his closed eyelids. But still he repeated over and over like a prayer, 'I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.'

_'Lie on your stomach like a good boy, for me.'_

'I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—

_Hands yanked down his pants, exposing his backside._

—I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—

_'Just relax.'_

—I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—

_'Open your fucking mouth slut!'_

—I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—'

Loki tasted blood. He had bitten so hard on his lip that it was bleeding.

He could still feel Tony's hand on him, but it wasn't on his leg. He felt it on his cheek, Tony's voice sounding in his ears. It took him a moment to hear what he was saying.

"—please. Loki, Please, open your eyes. Loki? Lokes, come on—"

Loki opened his eyes, looking up at Tony who sighed in relief.

"Thank God," Tony said, obviously relieved as his other hand came up to cup the other side of Loki's face, Tony's brown eyes looking into Loki's green ones. "Are you okay?" He whispered, guilt evident in his face and voice.

_'Admit that you're damaged. Once you do, you'll feel better. You can stop denying it. If you don't, you'll never get better. You'll be damaged forever. Now admit it.'_

In a broken voice, barely above a whisper, Loki spoke.

"I'm damaged."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒I know Tony seems like an ass, but he's only trying to make Loki better, promise. Please, try not to kill Tony too much✒


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

It had been a week since the incident and Loki was actively avoiding Stark at all costs.

Well, to be fair he had isolated himself to his room, not only because of Tony, but because of the others as well. He knew he wasn't wanted. He knew he was hated by them all. That was fine by him though. He didn't care what they thought of him.

He needed to eat though, throughout the week. God or no, starving himself still brought on stomach pains.

The first time he'd brought himself to go down he noticed the way they had all hushed down when he entered the room. He had only scowled and continued into the kitchen. What did he care if they were all talking about him? No, he didn't.

Unfortunately, he'd run into Thor, the witless oaf that he was, only to grimace at Thor's loud booming voice.

"Loki! It's good to see you out of your room," Thor said, beaming a smile.

Loki pushed past Thor without a glance. "I'm hungry Thor, that's the only reason I'm down here. Now, please, leave me alone."

Thor blinked, taken aback slightly. He looked Loki over who was searching through the fridge for anything edible.

"Are you well?" Thor asked carefully, not wanting to anger the younger god.

Loki pulled out something from the freezer he had opened. A tub of ice cream.

That would do.

"I'm fine, Thor. Thank you for your late concern," Loki said with a bite in his tone making Thor flinch back.

"I only...you don't look well," Thor said slowly, fiddling with his fingers nervously.

Loki pulled open each drawer till he found the one containing silverware and took out a spoon. "As I've already said, I'm fine. Your concern is not needed nor will it ever be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my chambers."

Thor didn't fight it, knowing it would do no good as Loki walked by him, back through the lounge where the voices hushed to stare at him as he passed back to the elevator.

He'd sat in his room feeling dejected, unwanted as he ate the whole tub of ice cream.

Now however, it was early in the morning and the hunger was, once again, getting the better of him.

Thankfully, no one was in the lounge this time to glare hatefully at him as he knew they would whenever he came downstairs. He went into the kitchen only to find Steven already up making breakfast.

Steve looked up and gave a hesitant smile at the frozen god of Mischief. "Hey. Breakfast will be ready in a few", he said cheerfully.

Loki blink a few times, wondering if he had heard correct. Had the Captain just...invited him to breakfast?

No, that couldn't be right. He must have interpreted that wrong.

"Quite alright," Loki remarked smoothly. "I believe I'll get something else."

Steve nodded. "Well, there's some toast ready if you want to put on a spread for it?"

Loki glanced where Steve had pointed to. A stack of toasted and buttered break sat neatly on a large plate. "Oh...thank you," he said, unsure what else to say.

Steve had simply nodded again as Loki went over, taking up two pieces of toast and a spread that read 'jam' on the jar.

He twisted off the top, looking around and spotted a butter knife nearby, picking it up and taking out a measured amount of jam with the knife, moving it over the toast. Mm...this looks rather delicious.

Everything had been going rather well. The Captain hadn't said anything spiteful to him. At least not yet. But it was sadly ruined as he heard padded feet running down the hall.

Loki had glanced over from his toast to see both the archer and genius race into the room, Barton shoving at Stark to get to the food first.

"Easy you two, the food's not going anywhere," Steve said with a chuckle, setting two plates down as Clint sat in the stool, almost falling off in his haste to eat.

Tony however, had spotted Loki and was standing dumbly behind the kitchen an odd look on his face.

Loki quickly looked away, taking up his plate of toast in one hand. He had been planning on just eating here for once before the others got downstairs to eat as the Captain had been kind to him. But those plans were spoiled now that three of the six were now here. He wouldn't let them stare and whisper about him in his company. He wouldn't let them question him either.

He stepped out of the kitchen, intent on getting back to the safety of his room when he felt a warm hand grab his wrist stopping him in his tracks. He looked around, meeting chocolate brown eyes full of concern that only confused Loki.

"Don't you want to stay here and eat?" Tony asked softly. Loki swallowed, feeling Tony's finger trace over a still healing scar from his temper tantrum making the god shiver. Why did this mortal make him feel like this?

Loki opened his mouth to answer when Clint seemed to realise he was there. "Him? What the hell is he even doing here in the first place?"

Tony rolled his eyes, still holding Loki's wrist in a loose grip. "Because he's hungry dumb dumb. What do you think?"

"He's a god. He can live through starvation. Bloody bastard doesn't deserve food," Clint muttered.

Loki clenched his hand into a fist. No, he wouldn't strangle the pathetic mortal. He was bigger than that.

"Oh, go suck a dick, Clint. Stop whining over something that happened ages ago," Tony stated, referring to the attack.

Clint glared. "He controlled my mind!"

Loki flinched at the shout and pulled his arm from Tony's grasp. "I should go. I did not mean to upset anyone."

"Bullshit," Clint mumbled under his breath, but everyone heard.

Loki didn't reply, turning on his heel and walking away before Tony could get another word out.

It was later that day that Tony had come up to his room, making the machine of his open Loki's door when Loki refused to as per usual. "Hey Bambi. Brought you some lunch," the genius said, walking over to Loki's bedside.

Loki had been reading a spell book at the time despite not being able to perform the magic when he glanced up at the sandwich Tony placed on his side table. "Why?"

"The sandwich?" Tony asked.

"The kindness," Loki corrected.

Tony shrugged. "Gotta take care of Thor's emo Brother or he'll probably fry me with lightning or something equally as painful," Tony nodded at the book. "Whatcha reading?"

"Ancient Magic that you would not understand," Loki said simply, ignoring the fact that Tony had changed the subject.

"Sounds boring," Tony admitted.

Loki glared. "Maybe to you but I quite enjoy it. Unfortunately you're ruining my enjoyment with your mere presence."

Tony didn't seem fazed by this insult. In fact, he laughed. "Wow, someone is pissy," he said, grinning and Loki, dispite himself, found the grin quite infectious, feeling like grinning himself. "So you like to read. That's cool. Hey, if you like magic books then you should read the Harry Potter series."

Loki eyes Tony warily. "Is this some sorcerer?"

Tony bit his lip trying not to laugh. "Sort of. I'll buy you a set."

Loki blinked. "I...alright."

Tony winked. "Enjoy your sandwich. I'll bring you dinner. I figured you don't like coming downstairs so I'll just bring you food up. Better than having you starve yourself until you get hungry enough to come and eat."

Loki nodded slowly unsure of what Tony was trying to accomplish. "Alright. Thank you, Stark."

Tony shifted slightly. "You haven't...done anything since the last time have you?" He asked warily.

Loki looked away.

This was exactly why he'd been avoiding Stark. He knew one of Loki's dark secrets. Loki didn't know how to handle that. No one has ever known anything about him before. Especially not something so personal. He was afraid...afraid Tony would use it against him. He'd already threatened once to tell Thor. He didn't want to anger the man though Tony didn't seem like the type to be easily angered. But he didn't want to risk it.

"Hey," Tony said gently, starting to be worried by Loki's silence.

Loki cleared his throat. "I'm fine. And no, I haven't."

Tony nodded. Loki half expected him to demand proof but he didn't. He only smiled gently, turning and walking out the door, calling over his shoulder. "Eat your sandwich!"

Loki heard the door click shut as a small smile tugged at his lips. Perhaps he'd misjudged Tony.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language, strong violence, torture⚠️

_Loki felt like screaming. He wanted to yell out his pain. But he couldn't. The string being sewn into the skin of his lips stopped him from making a noise. If he even tried to pry his lips apart, pain would shoot through them_ _making_ _everything a million times more painful. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he kept as still as possible,_ _letting_ _the torturer press the needle into his skin yet again for what felt like the millionth time._

_'Look at him. Sobbing like some child. What's the matter? Can't handle a little pain?" The torturer yanked the string taught and Loki_ _couldn't_ _help the muffled scream behind closed lips._

_'_ _I'm_ _sorry._ _I'm_ _sorry_ _._ _I've_ _learned, please. I won't do anything like this again. Please, please_ _forgive_ _me. Please!'_

_His silent pleading rang through his mind but was unable to be said. He desperately_ _wanted_ _an out of the pain._

_'Do not worry, little prince._ _You're_ _mouth_ _isn't_ _the only_ _thing_ _we can use,' the torturer said with a nasty_ _grin_ _._

_More tears fell. More pain came. More blood, more hurt, more fear._

_Tears mixed with blood,_ _dripping_ _off_ _his chin as the torturer finished, tying off the string and lifted Loki's head_ _so_ _he could see the glazed look of pain, of fear in his green_ _eyes_ _._

_'Hm_ _,' the torturer hummed to himself, a finger running over the stitching_ _making_ _Loki shudder,_ _but_ _didn't_ _pull away. He_ _didn't_ _want to be punished further. 'Hopefully this will_ _satisfy_ _the All Father._ _You'll_ _be sure to not tell lies no longer, won't you Liesmith?'_

_Loki hastily nodded. 'I won't lie. I won't lie. I swear. Please. Please,_ _I'm_ _sorry. Forgive me—'_

_'Good boy,' the torturer_ _praised_ _mockingly. 'Now, to prove yourself to be such a good boy, lay back so_ _I_ _can use you like the "good boy" you are.'_

_Loki's eyes went_ _wide_ _. No. No, no, no. He had been silent. He hadn't struggled. Why was he being punished_ _further_ _? He_ _didn't_ _understand!_

_Loki didn't move which would only anger the torturer,_ _his_ _face twisting into a scowl. He shoved Loki hard who fell on his face, screaming_ _muffled_ _again as it_ _agitated_ _his whipping wounds._

_He_ _felt_ _his arms pinned against the_ _ground_ _above his head. He forced_ _himself_ _still. Maybe it_ _was_ _a test? To see how well he_ _would_ _behave. Maybe if he was silent then it would cease. Struggle was pointless._

_'Looks like someone needs another lesson,' the man stated, pulling a wicked sharp_ _blade_ _from his belt._

_Loki's eyes filled unwillingly with tears. He_ _didn't_ _want to show weakness. He hated showing weakness. But it was hard not to be in the light that shined off the sharp_ _knife_ _._

_The_ _torturer_ _pressed the knife_ _lightly_ _to his cheek. A quick flick of his wrist made a deep gash into Loki's cheek, blood welling and spilling_ _down_ _his face._ _The_ _man lightly allowed the blade to skim over his skin, down his neck over_ _his_ _bare_ _chest_ _and up his pinned arms._

_The torturer reached his forearms that were_ _turned_ _up. He gave_ _Loki_ _a_ _sickly_ _sweet smile. 'Will you be a good boy, little prince?'_

_Loki_ _shook_ _, coldness washing over him as he forced a nod._

_The man's grin_ _widened_ _. 'I know you will.'_

_The blade sunk into his arm and Loki screamed and blood splattered against stone._

* * *

Loki shot up like a bullet, almost banging his head against Stark's who stood over him.

"Whoa! Hey there, Rudolf. Calm down, you're alright," Tony said as Loki breathed hard, staring at him with slightly crazed eyes.

"Stark...what...what are you doing in my room?" Loki said, trying to get his bearings. His mind was still half in the nightmare and his arm ached with phantom pains.

"Came to give you your daily breakfast," Tony said, setting the tray down. "Also, I got those books you wanted."

"Books...?" Loki asked as Tony gestured to the end of the bed where a total of seven books sat, neatly piled up.

"The Harry Potter books. You like to read and I did say I'd get them for ya," Tony stated, giving Loki a hesitant smile. "I, uh, thought you would like them."

Loki blinked a few times. Tony had gotten him something...just because he thought he'd like them? He didn't understand...

"You okay?"

Loki flinched, looking back at Tony who looked at him with concerned golden brown eyes. "Fine. I just...didn't expect you to actually get me those books."

Tony grinned. "I'm a billionaire. I can afford it."

Loki nodded, staring at the books. _'That isn't what_ _I_ _meant,'_ he thought.

"Anyway, I got some things to do in the lab to do. Eat your toast. Promise you Steve hasn't poisoned it or anything," Tony said making Loki scoff and roll his eyes.

"As if your meager poisons could kill a god," Loki said, taking up the tray and placing it in his lap.

"Is that a challenge, Bambi?" Tony inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"Only if the challenge is taken out on Thor then I suppose, yes," Loki said simply, grabbing the handle of the mug and taking a sip of the hot chocolate. Hm...so good.

Tony snorted. "Alright, Lokes. As I said. Lab. Work. Avoiding everyone. Gotta go. Make sure you eat that all. Jarvis will tell me if you don't," he warned as he walked out the open door.

"Stalker," Loki muttered.

Tony grinned over his shoulder at Loki as the door shut.

Loki sighed, biting into his jam toast. It had recently become one of his favourite breakfasts. The hot chocolate wasn't a bad touch either.

He was surprised Tony hadn't asked about the nightmare. It was obvious that Stark knew he'd had one and that he wanted to ask, but he hadn't. It confused him to no end.

He eyed the books at the end of his bed as he ate his toast. He had never gotten a gift before. Except maybe from his Mother. He never remembered receiving presents on his birthdays. It had always been forgotten in the excitement of one of Thor's newest achievements. He'd never complained though. He had Mother. That had been enough for him.

But now he was getting gifts from what he had considered an enemy. Was the gift even safe? What if it was some sort of trap.

Loki finished his toast, staring paranoid at the books. He set aside his tray, moving closer to the books. He held his breath as he warily poked one of them, fearful it might blow up at any given moment. When nothing happened he picked one of them up, glancing at the cover of some boy with glasses.

Loki licked his dry lips. Stark had said it was for him to read. So surely that meant...he could read them...and not be punished for it?

He moved back on the bed, his whipping wounds soothing against the soft pillows. He flipped open the first page and when no one told him to stop, not even the Artificial Intelligence, he began to read.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

Tony was working on a new repulser for his suit when Jarvis spoke into the most silence besides Tony cursing whenever he fucked something up.

"Sir, Mr Laufeyson demands entry to your lab."

Tony looked up with a frown. "Loki?"

"Yes, Sir," Jarvis replied.

Tony nodded slowly. "Alright. Let him in."

Tony put the screw back to his project, twisting the screw a bit tighter to the right. There, perfect.

BANG!

Tony jumped a mile high, whipping around to stare at Loki with wide eyes. Loki looked beyond annoyed as he pointed at the book he had just slammed against the desk table. "That is a monstrosity of vast proportions," he hissed.

Tony blinked a few times before opening his mouth to ask the obvious question. "Um, what?"

"This book! The whole seven of them! It's preposterous!" Loki seethed, taking a step towards Tony who had no room to move away, his lower back pressing against his work bench. Loki poked him in the chest. "That Malfoy boy and Potter _belong_ together!"

Tony opened his mouth, not sure what to say to that. He was more shocked that Loki had read all seven books in the time frame of a single day.

Then the words processed on what Loki was saying, his brain catching up with the conversation. He made a choking sound like he was trying to cough up a hairball before he burst out laughing.

"Oh, _gods_!" He laughed as Loki glared. "Of course you think the two gayest characters belong with each other."

"It isn't funny! They have both suffered enough. Even though that Potter is a bit of a prat," Loki muttered the last bit.

"Hold up a sec. You're upset because...because there's no _Darry_?!" Tony exclaimed, grinning widely.

Loki stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. "What on Midgard is a Drarry?"

Tony bit his lip, trying so hard not to laugh. He didn't quite feel like being tossed out any windows. "It's a ship. Where people think two people should be together. Usually it's used in fanfiction. They make up names for the ship. This one is called Drarry."

"...what is this fanfiction?" Loki asked after a very confused silence.

Tony shook his head. "I'll show you later. But first, you're saying you've already read all seven books? In one day?"

"Less than one day but yes," Loki huffed before he suddenly looked down as if scared. "Was I...was I not meant to?"

Tony stared at Loki's down turned face, confused for a moment. "What? Why would you think that you weren't meant to? I bought them for you to read and you read them. Just thought it would have kept you entertained for longer."

Loki bit his lip. "I'm sorry. I should have asked before reading them all."

"Whoa, hey no. I got them for you. I'll find you something else to read later, don't stress. For now, you can help me," Tony stated.

Loki was surprised. He didn't think Stark would get him more reading material. But he wouldn't object. "Alright. What help do you require?"

"I need you to hold this in place for me so I can screw it on. The damned thing keeps falling off everytime I try to put it on," Tony said, taking up a piece of polished metal and putting it to the machine he was building, whatever it was. "Here," Tony said, taking Loki's hand and putting it to the metal.

Loki shivered at the warmth of Tony's hand. He'd never realised just how warm mortals were. Or how warm everyone else was compared to him until he found out his heritage.

He pushed those thoughts away viciously as he focused but on the task at hand.

Tony picked up a nearby screwdriver and a small screw, pushing it through the hole in the metal Loki held. He then tightened it with the screwdriver before beaming at his work. "Perfect. Thanks, Lokes. You can let go now."

Loki quickly removed his hands from the metal, looking the machine over. It wasn't big. In fact, it was rather small. "What is this contraption?"

"Iron hand gloves. You can wear them as bracelets and if something happens that leads to a fight? You flip it over your hand and you got an instant hand repulsor," Tony said proudly.

"I see," Loki said, rather impressed by the mortal's genius. "Your friends must think very highly of you, seeing as you are very valuable to the team."

Tony's smile slipped. "Oh, yeah, well," he coughed. "I mean, they've all got their thing. I've got mine. I build shit and stuff. Just doing what I enjoy, I guess. I mean, sure I help a lot but, I don't know, they've got more strength and such. My tech can only go so far on the battlefield so—

Loki raised an eyebrow at the mans rambling. He had noticed how Tony had avoided the question. Did the Avengers really think so little of him?

"—but I don't mind. Clint is cool. He just loves the exploding arrows I make for him. It gives me stuff to do and—"

"Anthony, you're rambling," Loki said, looking at the genius who abruptly fell silent looking rather awkward which made Loki smirk.

"...right," Tony mumbled. "So, any other questions, Bambi?" Tony asked, with a grin.

Loki looked at Tony. That open smile, nothing to hide. Not like Loki did. He didn't hide anything from Loki like everyone else did. Why did Tony trust him so much? This was the mortal he had thrown out a window, wasn't it?

"I wanted to ask..." Loki bit his lip. "Never mind. It is much too petty to ask."

"Hey, come on now," Tony said quickly as Loki turned to leave. He grabbed the sleeve sleeve of the shirt Loki wore. "Please, tell me."

Loki swallowed, turning to look back at Tony. He felt the hand release his sleeve as it traveled down, slipping into Loki's own as Tony looked at him, his gaze steady, determined.

"Please," he repeated.

Loki let out a soft breath, thinking of the hand in his. Perhaps holding hands meant something different on Midgard? "I-I wished to see the stars...I have not seen them in a long while. Since the attack...longer than that even."

Tony's face broke into a smile. "Come with me."

He tugged his hand and Loki followed after him, clutching Tony's hand as he let Tony lead him to the elevator. He stood beside Tony as it went up, looking down at his feet and fighting the blush that attempted to rise on cheeks each time Tony's hand squeezed his gently.

"You can't see the stars of New York very well from the ground of New York because of all of the light pollution," Tony said as the elevator doors opened and he led Loki from them. "You have to be pretty high up to see them. Luckily for you," he winked at Loki, "I've got the highest building in New York."

He let go of Loki's hand as he led Loki up a set of steps and stepped out onto the open air. He turned, offering his hand to Loki once again and Loki took it, pulling Loki up from the roof hatch. He looked around and his breath left his lungs.

He had never seen the beauty of New York until this moment. Sure, he had seen it before when he had stood at the Stark Tower platform, but he hadn't been this high up and it certainly hadn't been night. The lights of the city shone below them, lights of streetlamps, the cars, the lights in the houses, shops everything, all bright and colorful.

It was beautiful.

He felt a hand slip into his other free one and Loki focused on Tony who stood in front of him, both hands in Loki's as he stared down at him, the mortal in front of him. Tony was smiling, his eyes bright. They swirled with a golden brown color, so mesmerizing and...

...it was beautiful.

"What do you think, Lolo?" Tony said quietly with a lopsided smile.

"It's..." Loki shook his head, at a loss of words. He had never been speechless before. No one had ever been able to surprise him like this before, much less a mortal man. "I never seen something so entrancing as this before."

Tony's smile widened. "It gets better," he said, standing on his tiptoes and kissed Loki's lips lightly. Loki was more than a little shocked by this but he didn't shove the genius away like he thought he would, instead standing frozen until Tony finally drew back. Tony gave him a hesitant, unsure smile. "Look up."

Loki, not knowing what else to do or say, did as told and looked up.

"By Asgard," he breathed.

The stars were so bright, so brilliant against the sky. The moon stood out against them, high in the sky with the small suns surrounding it.

Loki swallowed, knowing his Mother was up there somewhere.

"Amazing, huh?" Tony said, looking up at the sky himself, leaning against the railing surrounding the building's edge.

Loki looked at Tony, the kiss the mortal had given him making his lips tingle. He saw how alight Tony's face was, staring up at the stars and Loki smiled. "Yes, it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒For the record, this was whole pile of fluffiness I was not planning on and I don't even know what happened there with the Drarry thing 😂 Wouldn't this be such a good ending? Well, guess what? I still got plenty of angst coming up. So buckle your seatbelts people!✒


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: self harm, strong language⚠️

Tony was shitting himself.

He couldn't believe what he had done just a week ago on the Towers rooftop. It still felt like a dream to him.

He kissed Loki. He _kissed_ Loki.

His thoughts screamed at him over and over the same three words. He kissed Loki. He kissed Loki. He fucking _kissed_ _Loki_!

Tony felt like a child who just got a truckload of presents for Christmas. Ecstatic but overwhelmed, not knowing what to do now that he had it all.

Loki hadn't exactly kissed back. Tony hadn't expected him to. Hell, he expected Loki to chuck him off the goddamn rooftop. But he hadn't. He may not have kissed back, but he hadn't pushed Tony away either.

Tony tried to figure out exactly when his feelings for Loki grew to this. He couldn't pinpoint a time. He was just shocked at how quickly he had fallen for the god.

Maybe it was because, with Loki, he could relate. Relayed to the pain, to the torture. Hiding behind fake smiles and lies.

But around Loki, the smiles didn't feel fake. They felt genuine. They hadn't felt that way in a long time, even before Afghanistan. The last time a smile felt real was the last time he had ever seen his mother and even that had been half faked.

Tony had still visited the god, had even gotten him a Starkpad so he could learn the wonders of the internet. He had introduced Loki to Fanfiction (which Tony was still trying to figure out if it had been a bad idea or not) and had set up a phone for Loki too so Loki could call him if he ever wanted to chat and Loki didn't want to leave his room.

Sure, Loki could just get Jarvis to tell Tony what he needed but it wasn't as good as listening to Loki's actual voice, imagining his smiling face whenever Tony cracked a joke. It was always nice to listen to Loki's soft chuckle whether that be through a phone or in person, Tony loved both of them.

He just hoped everything would end up okay. He wanted this to work. He just wasn't sure if Loki was ready for something like that. After god's knows what those guards did to Loki, he wasn't sure how Loki would take to being involved with Tony in something so intimate.

Tony told himself he would take it slow. Let Loki adjust first. Maybe think about the kiss Tony had given him. Because surely Loki was thinking about it, right? Tony sure as hell was.

He jumped when his phone rang in his pocket, startling him. He cursed himself as he shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling out his phone.

He smiled when he saw who it was.

He clicked answer, putting it on speaker. "Hey, Rudolph. What's up?"

"A-Anth-Anthony."

Tony froze as the broken sounding voice coming through his phone's speaker. "Loki?" He said, all playfulness gone, knowing something was wrong. "Loki, what's wrong? Talk to me, buddy. What's going on?"

There was a broken sob. "N-n-nightmare. Pl-please, An-Anthony. I n-need you," Loki managed to sob out, his breath coming in short gasps. He was definitely panicking. Tony could tell, having had a fair few panic attacks himself.

"I'm coming, Loki. Just hold on," Tony said in as much a calm tone he could manage as he ran to the elevator, pressing frantically at the button, the doors opening agonizing slowly. He got in, punching the button to take him to the floor Loki's room was on.

"H-help me. P-please, I-I can't..." another gut wrenching sob.

"I'm almost there, Lokes. It's gonna be okay," Tony said, struggling to keep the panic out of his voice. He tapped his foot, willing the elevator to go faster even though he knew it wouldn't. But a man could hope.

The elevator finally opened and he raced down the hall to Loki room, disconnecting the call as he turned the door handle, bursting into the room as he looked around a little wildly.

"Loki?!" He called, not seeing the god anywhere in plain sight. Where was he?

"I-in h-here," a small voice called from the bathroom.

Tony's stomach dropped, already knowing what must have happened as he walked to the bathroom door, pushing it open to reveal what was inside.

Loki sat near the sink, tears streaking down his cheeks. His body shook with sobs, hands shaking.

His wrists had been sliced open, bleeding sluggish red, dripping off his fingertips. In one hand he clutched the thing that had done the damage to the already damaged person.

A razor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒I know this is really short. I was going to make this longer but I was like "nah, I'll let them suffer". Soooo...sufFAH! XD✒


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: blood, strong language⚠️

"A-An-Anthony...I c-can't...I'm s-sorry," Loki stuttered out, eyes brimmed with tears.

Tony shook his head as he crossed the bathroom, kneeling down in front of Loki.

"Here," Tony mumbled softly, gently easing the sharp blade out of Loki's tight grip. He put it on the counter, reminding himself to get rid of it along with any other sharp object Loki had the first chance he got.

Tony took Loki's hands tight in his own, not caring of the blood - Loki's blood - that dripped down his own wrists.

"Sh. It's-it's okay. It's gonna be okay. I just...I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me?" Tony said, soft and soothing as he tried to keep the panic out of his voice.

Loki gave a shaky nod of his head, some tears slipping free as a sob escaped his mouth. He was attempting to force air into his lungs. It was painful to hear Loki's rattling breath as he tried to calm himself.

It wasn't working.

Tony shouted to Jarvis to get Bruce despite Loki's moaning protests not to. Tony grabbed a towel hanging off a hook, pressing it to both of Loki's wrists, shushing him softly. Come on, Bruce, hurry. Fuck.

Loki wasn't calming down which was making Tony panic even more. What to do?

He moved closer to Loki, pulling him by his waist into his side. Loki didn't resist, instantly curling himself into Tony, sobbing softly. He held him tight, unwilling to let go of the damaged person in his arms, clinging to him like a lifeline.

It seemed to take eternity for Bruce to get there.

"Tony?" Bruce called.

"We're in here," Tony yelled out, hating the way Loki flinched.

Bruce walked into the bathroom and Tony saw the way his eyes went wide when he saw the scene in front of him. Tony hoped he wouldn't Hulk out because that wouldn't help anyone.

Bruce walked over, kneeling down beside them. "What happened?" He demanded, pulling the bloodied towel away from Loki's wrists to inspect the damage.

"Nightmare. Loki had a nightmare. Panicked. Did this. Fuck, Bruce, please. Help him," Tony pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes as he stared at the cut skin of Loki's wrists. He couldn't have a panic attack now. Loki needed him. He couldn't go through this again.

He couldn't lose someone else.

"Hey, Tony," Bruce said, reaching over and gripping Tony's hand tight to bring him back to reality. "Everything is going to be okay. They're not deep. But we need to get them fixed up before Loki bleeds out, do you understand?"

Tony took a shuddering breath as he forced a nod, Bruce letting his hand go. "Get me a first aid kit.

Tony nodded again, going to stand but Loki held tight to him. "No, no. P-please don't leave m-me. Anthony, please-" Loki chest heaved as he struggled for the breath he needed to speak, to live.

"I'm going to be right back, I promise. I'll be back, okay?" Tony said, struggling to keep his voice even.

"No, no, no! Y-you c-can't-" Loki whimpered, the fight seeming to leave him, eyes glassy.

"First aid kit, Tony. Now!" Bruce ordered as he checked that Loki still had a pulse.

Tony rushed off to get it. He felt sick. Loki was dying. Loki was dying!

He grabbed what Bruce needed, racing back to the man and thrusting it into his hands. Bruce's eyes held concern and sympathy as Tony stumbled over to the toilet, dropping to his knees and lost his lunch.

...

Tony was refusing to leave Loki's side. Bruce said he was stable and would be okay but Tony didn't want to take the chance that something would happen if he wasn't there to prevent it.

Both Bruce and Tony agreed not to tell the others. There was no point in telling the others and it would only upset Thor.

So long as nothing drastic ended up happening then there was no need to let anyone know. Tony also knew that Loki wouldn't want the others knowing. It wasn't worth it.

It was late when Loki finally woke up. Tony was sitting in a chair next to Loki's bed in the gods room when he heard the god groan and was instantly up, taking Loki's hand. He reminded himself not to squeeze too hard but was so afraid that Loki would disappear if he didn't hold onto him.

Loki blinked his eyes open, eyes searching around before landing on Tony. "A-Anthony," he breathed, voice cracking.

"I'm here. Right here," Tony promised. He remembered the water he set out on the side table and picked it up, almost spilling it in his haste as he brought it to Loki's lips. "Drink."

Loki did. He drank a small sip, then larger before he was greedily gulping it down. Tony was relieved with him just drinking in general that he didn't chastise him for drinking so fast.

Tony placed it back on the table after Loki was finished. He gently gave Loki's hand a squeeze. "How you feeling, Lo?"

Loki wouldn't look at him. "Why do you call me that?"

"'Lo'?" Tony asked. He thought for a minute before he shrugged. "I guess...because it suits you? I always give nicknames to the people I care about."

"But why _me_?" Loki insisted. He still wouldn't meet Tony's concerned gaze.

"Well, because I care about you obviously. Why do you think?" He meant to sound joking but Loki wasn't laughing. He wasn't even smiling.

"What do you want from me?" Loki whispered.

Tony blinked. "What do you mean? I don't want anything from you, Lo."

Now Loki looked at him, eyes filled with so many emotions it made Tony dizzy. "They all want something. You're no different."

"'Them'? You mean the guards?" Tony asked and Loki looked away again. "I'm not them, Loki. I'm nothing like those shitheads."

Was this what the nightmare had been about?

"You kissed me," Loki said, like this was a valid point of some sort.

"Because I _like_ you, Loki. Why else would I kiss you?" Tony said unsurely. He realised that maybe that wasn't the best question considering the shitty things Loki had gone through. But it was too late to take back. Besides, Loki had to understand that Tony wasn't like them, and wouldn't think to hurt Loki.

Clearly he was wrong. "I am the god of Lies. Do not try to do so to me."

"Lokes—"

"Get out."

Tony paused. This was the last thing he wanted to do. "Come on, Loki, I-"

"Out, Stark!" Loki snapped, fury twisted on his face. Tony knew he should listen, but he didn't want to leave Loki alone.

"Loki..."

Then it came, softer, almost pleading from Loki's mouth as if the god was on the verge of tears and it made Tony's heart break. "Please, Stark."

Tony swallowed hard. "Alright."

He got up, making his way to the door while hoping Loki would call him back when he opened it. He took one last look at Loki who wouldn't meet his eyes before walking out the door, closing it gently behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✒The ANGST! Can you feel it RISING!!!✒


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: implied rape, strong language⚠️

Loki broke down as soon as the door shut.

What in Helheim was wrong with him?

He just kept pushing everyone away. Again and again and _again_. Because he was so damn scared of being hurt. He was scared of being used.

Because that's what Stark wanted, wasn't it?

Why else would he be so kind towards Loki? Why would he have kissed Loki on the rooftop? Why would he have been there when Loki woke? He couldn't have done it out of the goodness of his heart. That was absurd!

Loki hated how vulnerable he felt at that moment. He hated that he wanted Stark to come back, to hold him, to make everyone so wrong in Loki's life better. He hated how weak he had become.

Loki furiously wiped away his tears, drawing up his legs to his chest and forced himself to breathe. Just breathe.

It took some time, but he got there eventually.

Now with more or less steady, even breaths coming from his lungs he forced himself to relax. Just relax his tense body. He was perfectly fine. He just...needed a moment to himself.

He hadn't meant to get so angry at Tony. Hadn't meant to shout or scream. He had been irrational. He shouldn't get mad at the other, the one who had decided he was allowed to stay here. If he was thrown from here then he'd have to go back to the dungeons on Asgard. Odin wouldn't allow him to roam free.

No, he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't go back to that place ever again.

Which meant he would have to talk to Tony. To apologize for what he had done. To find a way for Stark to forgive him.

And he had a feeling he knew what he would have to do to accomplish that.

…

Tony was down in the workshop when Jarvis spoke saying Loki requested entrance to the lab.

Tony looked up in surprise. He didn't think Loki would come and see him so soon after his meltdown. "Yeah, of course. Let him in."

The door opened and Loki walked in, looking as if he hadn't earlier asked Tony in the nicest way possible to piss off.

The god's face was a picture of perfect calm that was almost frightening to Tony. The guy had literally slit his wrists open and now he looked as if he just got back from a nice walk in the park. It didn't make any logical sense to Tony whatsoever.

"Hey, Lokes! Look I wanted to apolo—mmph!"

Loki had pushed Tony's back against his workbench and covered the geniuses lips with his own.

Tony didn't know how to react. He knew he should react, maybe kiss back, pull him closer, something! But...it didn't feel right. Something wasn't right here.

Tony pressed his hands to Loki's chest, moving back enough so Loki's lips were no longer touching his. He felt a hand wander downwards and snatched it up before it could get too far, holding onto it tightly.

"Loki, _stop_ ," Tony stated firmly which made Loki look up, finally meeting Tony's eyes. The look in them was a mixture of confusion and fear.

Tony didn't like it.

"What are you doing?" He asked, placing one hand on Loki's chest, the other hand encircling Loki's wrist, being gentle of the bandages he felt around it.

"I was..." Loki licked his lips nervously. It wasn't an emotion Tony had ever seen in the god before. "I was trying to apologize for...for the way I acted. I shouldn't have yelled or gotten angry at you. It wasn't kind nor fair to you. You were only trying to help."

Tony blinked rapidly, uncomprehending. "Okay, one, not your fault. Two, what has that got to do with kissing me?"

"Like I said, I was trying to apologize," Loki stated like this explained everything.

"By kissing me?" Tony asked warily. That didn't make sense. Okay, sure. Apologizing he got even if it wasn't needed. But kissing him? No. He didn't understand that.

"Yes?" Loki said, though his tone made it seem like a question.

"Okay, look. I'm not sure who the heck told you that kissing is a way of apologizing but no. Just no," Tony said firmly.

Loki grimaced. "I can apologize another way...if you wish. I am willing."

Despite being a genius, it took Tony a minute to understand what Loki meant. When he did, he was afraid he would throw up if he opened his mouth. "Oh Jesus fuck. That's...definitely not what I meant. At all. I don't want that, Loki." Lie. "I'm not going to take advantage of you. Fuck no."

"But..." Loki swallowed hard, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Tony let the god's wrist go, realizing he still held it. He couldn't help but remember the blood running from open wrists, the coldness emitting from Loki's skin. "I thought that's what you wanted."

"Why would you think that?" Tony asked incredulously. "I like you, yeah. But I don't want you apologizing by offering yourself up like a slut or something."

Loki flinched back, his gaze dropping to the floor. "How else am I meant to make this right? I can't go back to Asgard. I don't want that. Please, tell me what you want. I'll...I'll do anything. J-just don't send me back there."

"Whoa, hey! I'm not sending you back to that asshat place," Tony said quickly. "I wouldn't do that to you...to _anyone_. I know I kinda threatened to but I wouldn't have. I would never have actually done it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that earlier."

"So you don't...you don't want to...use me?" Loki asked unsurely, green eyes slightly wide.

Tony had a fierce urge to find whoever has hurt Loki and rip their dick off. It didn't take a genius (though he was one) to know what had happened to Loki to make him think this was somehow okay. It wasn't. It so wasn't okay. "No, I don't. I'm not ever going to. I like you for you, not for your body though that's not bad either. That's beside the point though. I like your personality and wit and humor. I like that taunting smirk you get whenever you look at me. Just because I like you doesn't mean I want to fuck you."

Loki looked so lost.

Tony sighed softly, moving forward to wrap warm arms around the other man's thin frame. He heard as Loki's breath catch in his throat but he didn't pull away which was good as Tony didn't want to let the damaged god go. He was slowly starting to realize just how damaged Loki was.

Tony planned to fix him.


End file.
